I'm Not You
Do you ever compare your kids to other's? Does it give you and your child added stress? Well, I personally feel that it is not easy to distance ourselves from comparing our children, or even at times, ourselves to others. If taken positively, it may bring competitive behaviour to improve, if not, it may even bring on low self esteem and the feeling of unworthiness.
I feel, the each child is special and unique, with their own talents and strengths. Instead of using others as benchmark, try using his/her own performance as benchmark. For example, "your maths worksheets today is better than it was last week, good job darling." It certainly shows that you're more keen on her/his individual performance, and not because of how another child has performed!
It's also important to find that strength in the child and nurture it. If he/she has interest in art and painting, it'll be stressful for the child if you insist that he/she excel in tennis just because their peers are taking up tennis. It'll also be stressful for us parents to ensure that the child is continuously motivated to do well in something they don't have interest in.
How about for things that involves school and studying? Do we 'give-in' each time a child whines and complains? Then I believe it is up to us to find a good way to motivate and make learning fun. Extra-classes and tuition may benefit a child if he/she needs extra coaching. However, some parents are very result-oriented that they insist on filling up a child's time so that they can achieve desired results. I personally face this when forcing my little one into Kumon. Even though he excels in Mathematics, I thought doing daily Kumon worksheets will give him the added advantage. I was misled. He hated it, the repetition makes him feel resentful and his mood changes. He doesn't react that way with regular school work, but you can see the flip in behaviour just for that stint when Kumon is required. It took me awhile to realize that he doesn't need that extra work. I took a deep breath and took him out of the class after 3 1/2 years. Though I still have to follow-up with his personal coaching at home, there is lesser 'hostility' involved and he's back to his cute mild mannered self.
Adult level: How do you feel if your parents still compares you to someone else? To me, it does make me uncomfortable and I'd feel that my parents should be supportive of who I am. I've chosen to live my life this way, I have my own family now and I should be left to carry out my principles on what I feel is best. Though some may see it as 'being concern', I see it as limiting your capability and potental to only what they can and choose to see.
Still, each family has it's own priorities. We are here to continuously learn and be better persons and help each other. Do what's best without undermining each other. There shouldn't be too much personal stake when bringing up your child, because then you won't be able to separate you and the child. Plus, your personal self-esteem shouldn't be directly linked to the child. You shouldn't be giving yourself added stress and that the child must not perform for the wrong reason/s. He/she must learn to do it for himself/herself and not anyone else.
You are not your child. Detaching yourself from your child takes maturity and strength, because you can't be holding his/her hand all the way. And to me that it unconditional love.
Sheen Mars is a SAHM who is on a journey of continuous learning. She especially enjoys exploring and sharing her personal thoughts and opinions, as she reflects on her life as a SAHM. Discover more about Sheen's Thoughts.
I feel, the each child is special and unique, with their own talents and strengths. Instead of using others as benchmark, try using his/her own performance as benchmark. For example, "your maths worksheets today is better than it was last week, good job darling." It certainly shows that you're more keen on her/his individual performance, and not because of how another child has performed!
It's also important to find that strength in the child and nurture it. If he/she has interest in art and painting, it'll be stressful for the child if you insist that he/she excel in tennis just because their peers are taking up tennis. It'll also be stressful for us parents to ensure that the child is continuously motivated to do well in something they don't have interest in.
How about for things that involves school and studying? Do we 'give-in' each time a child whines and complains? Then I believe it is up to us to find a good way to motivate and make learning fun. Extra-classes and tuition may benefit a child if he/she needs extra coaching. However, some parents are very result-oriented that they insist on filling up a child's time so that they can achieve desired results. I personally face this when forcing my little one into Kumon. Even though he excels in Mathematics, I thought doing daily Kumon worksheets will give him the added advantage. I was misled. He hated it, the repetition makes him feel resentful and his mood changes. He doesn't react that way with regular school work, but you can see the flip in behaviour just for that stint when Kumon is required. It took me awhile to realize that he doesn't need that extra work. I took a deep breath and took him out of the class after 3 1/2 years. Though I still have to follow-up with his personal coaching at home, there is lesser 'hostility' involved and he's back to his cute mild mannered self.
Adult level: How do you feel if your parents still compares you to someone else? To me, it does make me uncomfortable and I'd feel that my parents should be supportive of who I am. I've chosen to live my life this way, I have my own family now and I should be left to carry out my principles on what I feel is best. Though some may see it as 'being concern', I see it as limiting your capability and potental to only what they can and choose to see.
Still, each family has it's own priorities. We are here to continuously learn and be better persons and help each other. Do what's best without undermining each other. There shouldn't be too much personal stake when bringing up your child, because then you won't be able to separate you and the child. Plus, your personal self-esteem shouldn't be directly linked to the child. You shouldn't be giving yourself added stress and that the child must not perform for the wrong reason/s. He/she must learn to do it for himself/herself and not anyone else. You are not your child. Detaching yourself from your child takes maturity and strength, because you can't be holding his/her hand all the way. And to me that it unconditional love.
Sheen Mars is a SAHM who is on a journey of continuous learning. She especially enjoys exploring and sharing her personal thoughts and opinions, as she reflects on her life as a SAHM. Discover more about Sheen's Thoughts.
Comments
Post a Comment
Do share your thoughts... :)